Yep. That would be me. The guy who likes to wear white pants.
Watching Fashion Star tonight made me want to wear my white pants every other day. Of course, on alternating days I would like to wear salmon and sea foam green (for good measure, obviously).
Why do I share this love for white pants? Because I can. Yes my friends. I CAN love white pants. Not ALL white pants though. I am not a fan of white denim. I mean, really, can you really make white denim look that good? I guess if they were very full, and you wore them with some really awesome shoes and had abs of steel so you could go shirtless (then you would also need a kickass tan)...you MIGHT be able to pull it off, but I, personally, will not be wearing white denim on my even numbered days.
Then the ultimate question comes up. How do you keep white pants clean throughout the day? This is a very valid question and one that I thought of numerous times during my routine this morning. I apparently wipe the side of my sonic cup in the morning to displace any condensation and then set the cup in between my legs while driving. I caught myself before wiping the condensation on my pants...you never know if that water has pooled with a galactic mass of dust, which as you touch your white pants expands into a light brown stain, formerly known as clear water. So...I caught myself in mid-air and slapped my hand away from the pants. Yes, my right hand did, in fact, know what the left hand was doing. Obviously the homeless fellow with the Sharpie written sign did not know what I was doing, but seriously, doesn't he have other important things to think about?
Actually, that brings me to the question we all want to know. Where do many of the people on the off-ramps find Sharpies to write with? I can never find a Sharpie myself, IN MY HOUSE, let alone if I were homeless. And, they usually do not use those fine-point Sharpies...they have to use the kind that give you a high immediately upon opening the lid. Well, I guess maybe there are people, who instead of giving the people on the corner money, give them Mega Sharpies. I have never observed this happen, but it could be possible. For now, I am still going to save my dollars for those who have used a pen and the bottom of the beer carton they found in the ditch.
I guess, though, I can't read their signs, so in theory they could say, "Hey you. If you can read this sign, you are too damn close...watch the road" or "I don't want your stinking dollars...I just want a Mega Sharpie." In any case, I hope they are okay with the dollar.
The dollar. Yes, we are wandering through a very random thought process tonight. Kind of like word association. The almighty dollar. Let us trace how the dollar I just gave the homeless man got there. First of all, our government decided that they were going to print a zillion dollars and sent them out to the banks to be shared with the masses. The dollar was then passed on to Mabel. She is 92 years old and thinks that she is a very powerful business woman (she actually lives in a Motel 6 on the interstate in Bakersfield, CA) and goes to the bank every day to pick up 40 'crisp' business cards. Did I mention that she thinks her name is George? Thank goodness she didn't think her name was Ben...that would get expensive...but her clients would LOVE her. Anyway, Mabel (aka George) goes to the city park and talks to the pigeons about her brilliant plans to create macramé covers for the Model T seats. As she shares this brilliant idea she passes out her business cards to the listeners. Of course, after one taste of the 'cards' the pigeons politely pass them on to the children who gather round daily and learn about Henry Ford, or wait on dollars...whatever.
So, the dollar ends up in the hands of Rodney Maurice Guiegenhenker III, a 10 year old child prodigy who invests a dollar a day in penny stocks. Rodney (or 'R' as his close friends call him), takes his dollar to his broker, Bob. Yep, 'R' has a broker named Bob. Bob takes the dollar, buys 100 stocks at an even penny a piece. Within 30 minutes 'R' has made $34,298 and heads back to the park where his Nanny will just be waking up from her daily nap.
Meanwhile Bob runs up to the convenience store to buy a bottle of gin. Yep, Bob always bets against 'R' and daily drinks away his animosity toward the 10-year-old. The clerk at the convenience store takes the money from Bob and shakes his head as he watches Bob hobble back to his workplace (did I mention that Bob has one leg six inches shorter than his other? Hence the name Bob. Yep...he had parents with a sick sense of humor).
So, now the dollar changes hands with the clerk at the 7-11, a little old man who had to run in to buy a bag of M & M's before his sugar crashed, a gang member who mugged the little old man, but who was kind enough to leave the M & M's (can't have little old men going into coma's in my blog), then we end up in the purse of an as-of-today-former prostitute, Candy. Yep. Candy. Real original, right? Well, Candy had made her final dollar on the streets of Bakersfield and loaded up on the Megabus and headed to Amish Country in Pennsylvania. On her way there she stopped in Kingston, AZ, Amarillo, TX, OKC, OK, and Springfield, MO. In Springfield, she had to stop the bus so that she could visit the restroom, where she realized that she was pregnant. In a state of panic she bought ten pregnancy tests and realized that it was just gas. Before getting back on the bus, she gave the clerk ten ones for two fives. She really likes to have 'bigger' bills, of course. The Amish like that, she has heard.
The clerk at the station is immediately staring at the end of a pistol. The customer behind Candy was getting ready to hold the station up. The clerk hands over the contents of the cash register: 11 ones and three stamps. (Way to hold up the wrong gas station, weirdo) As the attendant watches the robber drive off in their Hummer, he calls the cops. Not 5 miles away the cops pull over the Hummer and arrest the man...but not before he tosses all 11 of the dollar bills in to the wind. "There goes all your proof!" he exclaims, right before the police throw him onto the ground. Really, this one was not the brightest crayon in the box.
The dollars fly away down Chestnut and over Kansas Expressway, where an unsuspecting bicyclist is on their way to work (it is Walk, Bike, or Bus to work week after all). The dollar hits him smack dab in the face. He grabs the dollar and immediately heads to Sonic. It is Happy Hour! Down to Commercial Street he goes where he orders a Cream Slush treat, only to find out that a Cream Slush treat is not actually a slush when it comes to Happy Hour (should have picked the Diet Coke). Grudgingly he gives his dollar, plus two more, to the very happy car hop. She runs inside and takes the next order. It is a Route 44 Diet Coke with easy ice and lime. As the driver pulls up and hands her a five, she reaches in her pocket and hands me the dollar bill.
As I drive off, I see a fellow on the corner with a sign made out of what appears to be white denim with pen writings on it. I respect a homeless person who uses a pen (and does not think white denim is for wearing), so I give him the dollar as I drive past. He yells something to me, I assume a "Thank you kind sir." I drive off.
The man on the corner was actually not saying "Thank You." The real words he yelled were, "Hey! I know the lady who hands out these business cards!"
White denim, Sharpies, and a dollar bill. The morale of the story: If you are going to feed the pigeons your business cards...next time please think that your name is Ben! :)
Peace.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Monday, May 14, 2012
Yes, It is ALWAYS Creditworthy
Amazingly, I have made it through another Monday. I am always encouraged when I find myself at home and breathing on a Monday evening. It means that I, in fact, lived to see another Tuesday (or at least a Monday evening). However, this day did not come without a couple of 'moments.'
Close your eyes. Well, figuratively close your eyes, or you can't continue reading this and then the whole idea is kind of lost in an endless black space (aka the backs of your eyelids). Continuing on... Anyway, imagine with me, if you will, with your eyes OPEN; going to the post office and finding a weekly periodical with your picture in it. Not only is it your picture, but one that you do not like AT ALL!! In fact, you feel it makes you look 1) fat (seriously?!) and 2) not a happy person (can you say forced smile? I NEVER have a forced smile, outside of the dentist's chair). Ugh. What a way to start out the day! Oh well. At least the writer didn't make you sound super self-centered. In the future though, I am going to begin all things pertaining to my person as "We are..." For example: We are going to make a difference today. We are going to do some work. We are going to the bathroom. Well...the last one might be a little odd...it's a work in progress.
No, in all seriousness, the writer for the Springfield Business Journal did an excellent job and I was very pleased with the article. The picture...not so great (but the photographer can only take the picture...not MAKE the picture). lol.
In any case, that is not exactly what this blog is about. In fact, it pretty much has nothing to do with what this blog is about, come to think of it. I just randomly rambled on about my morning, like anyone gives a flip. But, then again, this IS my blog. If I want to talk about the fact that I clipped my toenails this morning...I guess I will, and unfortunately, as a reader, you must make a quick-handed judgment on whether this might get better. Then, you can go back to mindlessly wandering around the interweb, or continue on, hoping that I do not linger on my random facts about my toe nails and the stories that my toes might bring to my mind (i.e. How my parents bathroom in my childhood home led me to play the piano at church and how that is why my big toe on my right foot is not as smooth as all the others). Fortunately, today, I shall not linger. So...hopefully you decided to continue on reading. If not, I am sure there is something on TMZ that is much more entertaining!
So, here is the meat and potatoes (figuratively...not literally).
I read something today that was appalling to me. Not because of the actual overall piece of work, but because of the premise behind it. (Note: I do read A LOT of political stuff on-line, not that this was one of those pieces...but it could have been...now, you are wondering, eh?!) In any case, I was reading this piece and, due to my extensive knowledge on the area of focus, I knew that the author was 1) citing things completely incorrectly and 2) was taking credit for a humongous amount of things that they should not be taking credit for. I was immediately taken back to 2000, the year that Al Gore famously inferred that he invented the Internet. Seriously? Well, I guess I don't even know who invented the Internet, but believe it had something to do with the military. I digress (as usual).
So, I sat there, staring at this piece of work. I believe that it was intended to be a work of non-fiction, yet, because of what I knew, it was totally, 100% fiction. It is kind of like the as-of-yesterday former Yahoo CEO: If you lie about something on your resume and someone checks up on it...you WILL be found out. Yes, I just rolled my eyes. What a schmuck! If you are going to apply for a job at the hot dog wagon, I can kind of see where you figure they might not check up on you, or if you applied at Enron, but Yahoo? One word: Schmuck. Therefore, if, in material you are trying to pass on as non-fiction you take credit for 1) inventing the Internet (or something kind of like that), 2) take credit for someone else's work (in writing this is called plagiarism and I believe in real-life is called low morals...kind of as low as the amoeba that lives on the bottom of the scum that clings to the bottom of my yard shoes after I have stepped in a pile of dog pooh) and 3) do not give any credit to the correct people (or in some instances, anyone at all), then you might be a bad person (or at the very least a delusional self-centered liar). Then again, I hate it when people don't cite things at all. I don't even like it when grammar is incorrect; and Lord knows I have no room to talk! :)
So, with all of that said I think I CAN actually bring this around to the first part of my blog (which, in itself, is a miracle). I got worried that I did not give credit to those who have helped me in my journey in life which allowed me to be selected as one of the 40 Under 40 (which is still a little unreal). There have been TOO many people to give personal credit to. However, EVERYWHERE I have worked, volunteered, shopped, eaten, traveled, etc. I have been able to succeed in whatever it is because of the wonderful people who have shared in my life's journey. I am only one person and limited in my abilities. Yet, with the love and support of so many people, I have been lifted up and have been able to help others as well. We all know that it is not the power of one person that changes the world...it is we the people who work together to make positive change.
That song "We are the World" would have REALLY sucked if it was "I am the World." I mean come on. First of all, the two capital W's in the title help give it a little umph. Secondly, who would we have sing it? Oprah wasn't that great at that time, and Stevie Wonder does a great job...but a solo song? Yep. It takes a whole village to make a difference. I am so proud to be a part of YOUR phenomenal village!!
Thank you to everyone who helps make this world an AWESOME place to be! I appreciate you!!
Peace.
Close your eyes. Well, figuratively close your eyes, or you can't continue reading this and then the whole idea is kind of lost in an endless black space (aka the backs of your eyelids). Continuing on... Anyway, imagine with me, if you will, with your eyes OPEN; going to the post office and finding a weekly periodical with your picture in it. Not only is it your picture, but one that you do not like AT ALL!! In fact, you feel it makes you look 1) fat (seriously?!) and 2) not a happy person (can you say forced smile? I NEVER have a forced smile, outside of the dentist's chair). Ugh. What a way to start out the day! Oh well. At least the writer didn't make you sound super self-centered. In the future though, I am going to begin all things pertaining to my person as "We are..." For example: We are going to make a difference today. We are going to do some work. We are going to the bathroom. Well...the last one might be a little odd...it's a work in progress.
No, in all seriousness, the writer for the Springfield Business Journal did an excellent job and I was very pleased with the article. The picture...not so great (but the photographer can only take the picture...not MAKE the picture). lol.
In any case, that is not exactly what this blog is about. In fact, it pretty much has nothing to do with what this blog is about, come to think of it. I just randomly rambled on about my morning, like anyone gives a flip. But, then again, this IS my blog. If I want to talk about the fact that I clipped my toenails this morning...I guess I will, and unfortunately, as a reader, you must make a quick-handed judgment on whether this might get better. Then, you can go back to mindlessly wandering around the interweb, or continue on, hoping that I do not linger on my random facts about my toe nails and the stories that my toes might bring to my mind (i.e. How my parents bathroom in my childhood home led me to play the piano at church and how that is why my big toe on my right foot is not as smooth as all the others). Fortunately, today, I shall not linger. So...hopefully you decided to continue on reading. If not, I am sure there is something on TMZ that is much more entertaining!
So, here is the meat and potatoes (figuratively...not literally).
I read something today that was appalling to me. Not because of the actual overall piece of work, but because of the premise behind it. (Note: I do read A LOT of political stuff on-line, not that this was one of those pieces...but it could have been...now, you are wondering, eh?!) In any case, I was reading this piece and, due to my extensive knowledge on the area of focus, I knew that the author was 1) citing things completely incorrectly and 2) was taking credit for a humongous amount of things that they should not be taking credit for. I was immediately taken back to 2000, the year that Al Gore famously inferred that he invented the Internet. Seriously? Well, I guess I don't even know who invented the Internet, but believe it had something to do with the military. I digress (as usual).
So, I sat there, staring at this piece of work. I believe that it was intended to be a work of non-fiction, yet, because of what I knew, it was totally, 100% fiction. It is kind of like the as-of-yesterday former Yahoo CEO: If you lie about something on your resume and someone checks up on it...you WILL be found out. Yes, I just rolled my eyes. What a schmuck! If you are going to apply for a job at the hot dog wagon, I can kind of see where you figure they might not check up on you, or if you applied at Enron, but Yahoo? One word: Schmuck. Therefore, if, in material you are trying to pass on as non-fiction you take credit for 1) inventing the Internet (or something kind of like that), 2) take credit for someone else's work (in writing this is called plagiarism and I believe in real-life is called low morals...kind of as low as the amoeba that lives on the bottom of the scum that clings to the bottom of my yard shoes after I have stepped in a pile of dog pooh) and 3) do not give any credit to the correct people (or in some instances, anyone at all), then you might be a bad person (or at the very least a delusional self-centered liar). Then again, I hate it when people don't cite things at all. I don't even like it when grammar is incorrect; and Lord knows I have no room to talk! :)
So, with all of that said I think I CAN actually bring this around to the first part of my blog (which, in itself, is a miracle). I got worried that I did not give credit to those who have helped me in my journey in life which allowed me to be selected as one of the 40 Under 40 (which is still a little unreal). There have been TOO many people to give personal credit to. However, EVERYWHERE I have worked, volunteered, shopped, eaten, traveled, etc. I have been able to succeed in whatever it is because of the wonderful people who have shared in my life's journey. I am only one person and limited in my abilities. Yet, with the love and support of so many people, I have been lifted up and have been able to help others as well. We all know that it is not the power of one person that changes the world...it is we the people who work together to make positive change.
That song "We are the World" would have REALLY sucked if it was "I am the World." I mean come on. First of all, the two capital W's in the title help give it a little umph. Secondly, who would we have sing it? Oprah wasn't that great at that time, and Stevie Wonder does a great job...but a solo song? Yep. It takes a whole village to make a difference. I am so proud to be a part of YOUR phenomenal village!!
Thank you to everyone who helps make this world an AWESOME place to be! I appreciate you!!
Peace.
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