The painting

I am not sure what this blog is going to be about.  I had the title in my head and have not a clue why.  We will see where this goes.

I guess when you look at a painting you can see a moment that was caught in someone's mind.  How cool is that?  We get to share in a moment that someone else had in their psyche.  It moved from their mind, through their body and from brush to the canvas.  The smallest adjustment makes so much difference in the words that are conveyed through the result.  A picture is worth so much more than a thousand words.

I think of the painting of the mountain that I have downstairs.  It hung in my Great Grandparents home for as long as I have been alive.  I would stare at it for long stints and think about how awesome it would be to sit on the side of the lake and look up at the majestic peak.  I could actually imagine the breeze and the sounds.  The soft gurgling of the water, the light touch of the wind, the cool moist air hugging the shoreline.  Yet, I have never been to that spot.  The artist had.  They were able to bring those thoughts and responses out of my mind through their creation.  I don't even know if they had been to that lake, or if it was like Bob Ross, making a happy tree and a mountain while talking students through the methods of painting.  I do know that it was in their mind.  It was a moment captured on canvas.  A place where I still visit in my mind whether I see the painting or not.

We all have our own paintings stored in our minds.  Every moment we live could be a painting to share.  The light and bubbly moments that could be expressed through color, the dark and dim moments which could be made into an abstractionist piece, or those experiences that move us to tears, like a picture of a child crying, or of Golgotha.

I lay on the couch in awe that we all have so many paintings inside of us.  We don't all paint, but we all have the ability to share our moments...through words, through song, through prose (yes, I am sure some people still write prose).  It is just up to us to decide what moments are best shared.  We must choose our paintings wisely, for they will affect those who see, hear, and feel what we share for a lifetime; sometimes much longer than that.

So, today, get out your brush, your pen, your instrument - whatever that might be, and share your moments.  There is no time like the present.  

Yep.  That is what I apparently wanted to write tonight.  Very random.

Peace.

A Butterfly in Brazil

I went to an Association of Fundraising Professionals meeting today and came out of it feeling greatly renewed and refreshed.  The presenter was talking about positive psychology.  It was enlightening and I, for one, felt blessed to have sat through the presentation. 

I want to share a couple things he said then I want to talk about something that has been on my heart and mind as of late.

-          There is nothing wrong with you that what’s right with you cannot fix.

-          If we talked to our friends the way we talk to ourselves…we wouldn’t have any friends.

None of the following are correlated to happiness or life satisfaction:

-          Making more money (in fact, materialistic people are less happy)

-          Staying healthy (it’s your subjective view of your health that matters)

-          Getting as much education as possible (no effect)

-          Moving to a different place (no matter where you go, you are still going to wake up with you)

These are such true statements.  Kind of hard to accept, but true, nonetheless.

So, here is where I come full circle to what I have been thinking about and this tied into it pretty darn good.  It is a twofold thought process.  Something about what others think about themselves and then what others think –I – should think about myself. 

First of all, I look around at the people who I know, those who have impacted my life over the years, and I wonder how God can be so wonderful to me.  People with such love of life, appreciation for what they have, gratitude toward their family and friends…just all around wonderful people.  However, for whatever reason, so many of these marvelous and fantastic people don’t see it in themselves.  Maybe they do on occasion, but so often it is lost in the words that they say to themselves (maybe even based on the past and what others have said).  I am saying this, knowing that I am as guilty of this as the next person.  My words to myself are often less than ideal and nothing close to being uplifting.  However, I am working hard on letting myself know that I am a good guy.  

Thinking back to my blog on affirmation…  I think that it is imperative that we share with those around us the good we see in them; the amazingness that they allow us to see.  True, often times, we (myself included) do not allow ourselves to see that amazingness.  I remember a few years ago laying on the bed and saying “I don’t deserve this,’ about something that was too good to be true.  I learned to believe that I did.  And, from that moment on, something clicked.  I was going to be happy.  Come hell or high water, I was going to enjoy the moment.  Live in the moment.  Most recently I lost that moment.  I banged around in my head for weeks, wondering what I had done wrong.  Then, I found myself caught up in another wonderful moment.  Thinking again, what have I done to deserve this? 

Of course, nothing good comes to us easy.  Take Christianity for instance.  The road to hell is easy, yet the road to eternal salvation is simplistic yet difficult.  For all good things take work.  They take effort.  They require determination and drive. 

Thankfully, I have one character trait that I find endearing in myself (and frustrating at the same time).  I do not quit.  I HATE quitting.  I believe that the fight is worth it if the intention is pure and the prize is worth winning.  THAT I am proud of.  I won’t give up…especially if someone tells me I should.  There is nothing like telling the kid that the burner is hot.  Someday…that burner is going to be off and I am going to touch it. 

As for my friends who do not see in themselves what I see.  That is okay.  You have said such wonderful things to me over the years, and recently, that have warmed my heart.  I carry those words with me, especially on days when I am low and down.  I hold them in my heart and remember them fondly.  I cannot fault anyone for not accepting affirmation.  It is damn hard for me.  Yet, I will continue to try, to give compliments, to share what each person means to me.  There is not a moment in my life that someone has not given me some sort of hope.  For that I am blessed.  I know that many people have not had that luxury.  I just hope I can provide it to others when they need it as well.

Now, the second part.  Seriously.  I have been told by so many people what I ‘deserve.’  Matthew, you deserve blah ,blah, blah…you deserve blah, blah, blah…and so on.  Well.  I THANK you for believing in me enough to think that I deserve anything at all.  That is so very kind.  However, I will tell you what I think I deserve.  I deserve to be happy.  Not to be over abundantly joyous at ever moment of the day.  I don’t deserve to be a multi-billionaire overnight.  I don’t deserve a lot.  I do deserve to have what –I – want.  I know what I want and will do what I have to do to get it.  I have done this my whole life.  So far, it has worked for me fairly well.  I think it really boils down to what one of my good friends told my former boss when she was giving a reference.  “You might think that Matthew’s ideas or directions are really far out there or don’t make sense to you.  But, give him the opportunity and let him go.  If you allow him to, he will surprise you.”  So, when you think that I have it ‘all wrong’ or that I am making a ‘bad decision.’  If I decide to follow my heart and you think ‘why the hell would you do that?!’  Please, please, please do me a favor.  Give me that opportunity.  I know that I might fall.  I have fallen hard in the past.  But I have learned very well from my mistakes.  I listen to my heart and my mind.  I pray about everything and believe that the decisions I make are the right ones for me…no matter what others might think. 

Hey, if I listened to what others said to me before, I KNOW I would not be alive today.  I know that to be true.  However, I am.  I am alive, I am blessed, and I am going to make my future.  I have my goals and dreams to achieve.  I am going to do it. 

Thank YOU for your support over the years.  Each person who has been in my life has played a very important role.  The significance of something as simple as a ‘how is ur day?’ can have an effect much greater than that of a butterfly in Brazil affecting a tornado in Texas.  Today, will you make that difference, no matter how small!?  Pick someone you know and just let them know you are thinking of them.  Tell them how much they matter.  I promise…no tornadoes will come of it…just some butterflies and rainbows (for lack of a better phrase!).

Love, thanksgiving, and

Peace

Random thoughts and why I give affirmation.

Today has been one of those days that I really didn't want to do much of anything.  I really enjoyed laying on the couch and catching up on the DVR.  That was actually really relaxing.  Then, I decided that I was going to work on redoing the basement.  Yep...crazy me...deciding to rearrange everything.  The moving process only took a couple hours (I had to move all the snowglobes off the shelving).  Then, I moved the tv and dish box.  Now...the tv doesn't work.  Geez.  Have the cable guy appointment in the morning.  Joy.

Then, when I was putting a piece of furniture in place, I neglected to realize that I had placed two of my Mammaw's candleholders on top of it.  Suddenly they can crashing to the floor and crashed into a gagillion pieces.  Um, I know that they are just candleholders, but it just made me think to myself, "Really?!"  But...life does go on.  Not a big deal in the whole scope of things.  I just have to keep remembering that!

So, those candleholders made me think about how such great 'disasters' of today really have little bearing on tomorrow and how we must all keep that in mind.  I mean putting things in context really gives a good perspective on life.  I broke two old candleholders.  Whooptie doo.  I am still breathing.  I still have my ability to smile and see and sing.  I have great friends and a family.  I am still alive.  I just broke something.

It also made me think about how things in the past have affected me over time.  I lost my best friend to a tragic car accident in high school; Stacey Brown.  I never got to say goodbye.  I can't believe that day lives so vividly in my mind, but when I was thinking back to it, I remember that I grieved for weeks on end.  I couldn't get past the fact that God would take my best friend away.  I hurt.  I was mad.  Her sudden death impacted me in a way that I can still feel today.  I think it is why I want to be close to people.  Want to cherish every moment that I can share with them.  Make each day special.  I never want to have anyone leave this earth thinking that I didn't care enough to let them know how great they are.  How special they are.  How the world is a better place because of them.  I can't live with that again.

I guess I should say.  I remember the night prior to the accident.  It was the Country Music Awards and she was going to come over after church and watch them with me and her boyfriend.  She was irritated at him, I think, and decided to go home instead.  I called her on the phone and was upset and instead of saying something nice, I said uh-huh and hung up the phone.  The last words I said were uh-huh.

That is part of what made me who I am today.  I remember talking to my Mammaw the afternoon before she died.  I was kind of irritated at her that day, but talked to her on the phone and I know that my last words to her were, Mammaw, I love you.  That night I received a phone call that see had passed away at the hospital before anyone even knew she was sick.  That was such a shock.  She was my absolute best friend in the world.  She was my grandma, my mom, my best friend.    Though it was the roughest death I have ever had to deal with I was able to smile knowing that the last thing I said to her was positive and that I loved her.

I say all of this because over the past few years I have had people question my genuineness.  I tell you that you are awesome because you are.  I tell you you are beautiful because you are.  I tell you that I care for you because I do.  I do these things because I do not want to wake up tomorrow and find out that you are gone and think to myself that I didn't tell you what you meant to me.

My friends...you are my friends.  You are special to me.  I wouldn't have you as my friends if that was not true.  My life is a better life because I have each and everyone of you in it.  It is such a blessing and I thank God every day for how fortunate I am to have such great people surrounding me.

You ARE wonderful.  Go to sleep knowing that.  I mean it, or I wouldn't take the time to say it.

Peace.

And...it is finally snowing.

So, it is Monday friends and I woke up this morning and looked outside and saw my favorite part of winter.  SNOW!!  How beautiful it is and reminds us that no matter what our imperfections, they can be covered.  My Auntie 'A' used to say, "Love covers a multitude of faults."  How true that is. 

It has been such an interesting weekend too, very appropriate for the snow to fall today.  I actually woke up for the first Monday in a long time NOT wanting to go to work.  I know, that sounds totally realistic for a Monday, but for the past month work has been a refuge for me.  Home was not where I felt comfortable.  However, now that I am getting everything back in order, I am conent to be there.  And...I have a great friend who is staying with me for a little while and that helps get my mind of things as well!  AND...I am going to redecorate my downstairs and convert my office into another bedroom...THAT is going to be fun!

I also took some time this weekend to reflect on myself and where I am at, and where I am going in life.  I think things are looking up.  I am working on accepting the fact that I am currently alone.  I am going to get out and about and enjoy life to its fullest.  I am not sure how to do the single thing that well...but I know with the help of some friends who have been and continue to be single, I can make the transition alright.

Anyway, with it being Monday and I am getting ready for work, I figured that I would let everyone know that things are looking better.  I am not as conflicted inside as I have been (maybe a little bit still, but not NEAR as bad!).  Things are looking up.  Life is moving on.  I am ready for the ride.  Let's roll!

Peace